Why don't they negotiate in Mufakose?

It is suggested, very humbly, in order to expedite the negotiations between ZANU PF and the MDCs, that the SADC Troika meeting on Monday be held at No.1200 Mukumbadzetse Street in Mufakose, Harare.

To gain entry the distinguished guests must cross a stream of raw sewage, which runs by the main gate of the venue. Should assistance be required, experienced residents will be on hand to guide them. Guests are advised to take extra care when crossing as they might easily slip and drown.

They must resolve matters very quickly otherwise the steady flow of the stream swells rapidly as the day goes by. Local boys charge $US10 to help with crossing at peak periods, although the prices can rise very sharply depending on the calibre and station of the clients.

There is a local 'central bank' nearby in Mudzambiringwa Street, should guests require any emergency funds, though they are available to non-residents at punitive rates. Guests are encouraged to reacquaint with the long lost relatives or friends in Mufakose, as they might be useful to obtain financial facilities like the local BACOSSI.

Residents have been advised to keep all windows open as there is no air-conditioning. But this should ensure a steady but heavy breeze transporting the potpourri of aromas and odours from the locality.

Guests must also bring candles lest their 'toks' extend into the night - there is no electricity here. Water will be provided from the nearest well and if the queue is too long, guests will be directed to the nearest stream.

For other types of relief, there is a small bush nearby but they must beware of pickpockets. They are advised to bring heavy guard for their expensive automobiles and other gadgets.

Guests should note that there is a funeral next door to the venue - the neighbour sadly passed on whilst awaiting medication kuGomo hospital. There were no doctors and drugs were either unavailable or unaffordable. Guests must, therefore, contend with the constant singing and wailing of friends and relatives ... It is advisable, as is the culture here, for guests to appear, if only briefly, to share a moment with the bereaved family.

It is hoped that this venue will provide a more appropriate setting for the negotiations. Not only will it be in the area representative of the 'people' for whom the deal is being done, this should also provide a more realistic picture of the 'people'. If negotiations are for the 'people', why, I ask, don't the negotiators come and do it where the 'people' live? Rainbow Towers seems to have failed, so why not try Mukumbadzetse Street?

- Alex T. Magaisa